Ghost girl and Senegalese food

When Jawara arrived at the apartment the girl was home, greeting him with a melodious if distant „Hi, Jawara“, pronouncing his name with a slight American slur though she was European, actually German.
It was unusual for her to be home at this hour. She was sitting high up on the kitchen counter that separated the living area and the table from the built-in kitchen cabinets, holding on to an oversized mug with both hands as if she was trying to warm herself and smiling at him. The small space smelled intensely for coffee. She was wearing Jeans and a plain white T-Shirt. No shoes, no socks. Jawara liked that she had the good habit of slipping out of shoes and socks right at the door. He smiled back at her, grateful that he did not have to spend the evening alone but a bit worried about not being able to go to sleep on time.
He realized then that it was already past nine in the evening, and the girl was the first person this day to smile at him and mean it, meaning him, Jawara, rather than directing a grimace in his direction by mere reflex or politeness.
The realization made him sad, but it was a passing sadness, he had no resistance to it. Her smile was genuine and she looked directly at him, and after the sadness had receded, the gladness about some basic form of human company returned. – Hallo, you are home early, he said for a greeting while removing his own shoes and socks. She just nodded and kept smiling with an ease that showed him she meant it, there was nothing forced about it.
She did not not offer any explanation as to why she was home, but he took no offense. He had noticed before that there were days when she was barely present and he had realized it had nothing to do with him. She was not absent in relation to him in the way people were who usually ignored him even when they were placing their orders or accepting his soliciting smile at the food truck. It was more like she was absent from herself, and keeping company in a different sphere that was not accessible to his perception. More than once when meeting her he had had the eerie impression that the girl though being by herself had seemed like a person in company, acknowledging him as if she was tied up in a social situation but would really much prefer to talk to him than to her present company.
This impression she conjured up by her body movements and attention to spaces in the room that seemed out of focus of the actual things,  directed into an empty space but also consistently arrested at this point of not interest without staring, this impression was so eerily convincing that at times he had had the feeling he could actually see people gathering around her. For example, there was no apparent explanation as to why she would sit up on that kitchen counter as if she was actually facing a room full of people talking animately and had found herself a place to survey an informal gathering. She did not have a book or a file with her as she sometimes had on weekends, just that big mug of coffee.
She was sill sitting on the counter with her coffee when he returned from the bathroom accompanied by a strong scent of hand soap. He walked past her and into the kitchen and she gave herself a quarter spin and then another following his position in the room and now facing the kitchen front instead of the non-existent gathering. He started taking out food from the refrigerator. His neck tingled as he was feeling her in his back, sitting silently on the counter like a house ghost. She was a very quiet person.
He opened the fridge and methodically removed his food containers from his shelf. The evening before he had marinated chicken in a big glass jar that still had a shadow of a peeled off commercial label stuck to it. He had chopped onions and clover and had mixed them with salt and peanut oil and had poured this mixture over the chicken pieces stacked with lemon slices in the jar.
He usually precooked enough rice to serve him for several meals and kept the rice in a container in the fridge, too. He fished out some carrots from the vegetable drawer in the fridge and placed them on the kitchen counter right next to her, followed by a small cutting board and a knife and he started peeling and slicing carrots.
Are you hungry, he asked her politely, implicating that he could prepare food for the both of them but knowing ahead of time that she would decline. He had never actually seen her eat before though she did keep joghurt and fruit in the fridge. She shook her head, but playfully picked up a piece of carrot peel and curled it around her index finger like a bandaid. This irritated him for a split second but he did not flinch. Still, she unwrapped her finger as if he had commented on it and put he peel back to the growing pile of scraps which unnerved him even more because it heightened the vague impression she had on him, kind of like she was not a real person but really a creature from inside his own head thus knowing him as well as he dared to know himself. This must have had to do with her quietness.
New York was a place for strange people. It was certainly a good place for ghosts to live without drawing too much attention to themselves. Spirits and fox girls. He suspected without true conviction that he had been invited in by one.
Even if it was true: it was better, much better, to share a room with a pretty ghost girl than with the kind of loud and inconsiderate room mates he had had before. Still, he sometimes felt unnerved by her mind-reading ability. Maybe it was a female skill. His mother had had it too and there was nothing ghostly about his down-to-earth mother.
The smell of garlic in the frying pan when he roasted the chicken rooted him, and he gave the girl another smile before pouring the marinade over the browning chicken meat. She watched him when he picked up the cutting board from the kitchen counter. He pushed the carrot slices into the fragrant mixture and let the dish simmer before turning again and looking at her. Strangers in close proximity. – There is more coffee, she remarked. He considered her offer, but thinking about the few hours of sleep he needed, now it was his turn to shake his head. He noticed now that there were some almonds in a small ceramic dish next to her, half empty. Ghost food, he thought, and she tensed up immediately and stared at him for a moment, but then relaxed again.
He turned to the stove again and added some servings of rice to the chicken and carrot stew, and turned the heat on low. He filled two glasses with tap water that smelled of chlorine and he knew would taste like it, too. Walking over to the table he set the place for one but added the second glass for her. When he returned to the kitchen to check on his food, he ran into her legs. He was very hungry but for a moment he grew aware that she was not a ghost but actually a living breathing person, a girl. Then the food won. She slid down the counter and walked over to the table still carrying her coffee. He followed her with a metal coaster and the frying pan. It smelled like home.

Si a jure discedas vagus eris, et erunt omnia omnibus incerta

or: If you depart from the law, you will go astray …

Legal avatars were walking with me every night right up until dawn. Most of them were missing something, something that was living and breathing in the legal clients who had come to the law office and had told their story of need and desire to the attorney but that somehow had got lost when the client´s life subsequently had been translated to fit in a file. Every day for about 15 minutes after lunch time Mr. O´Leary gave me a short introduction to the new cases he had Ms. Cavendish put on my desk in the morning. He was a very good narrator, mentioning details about clients that a less practiced observer would have overlooked or found insignificant. He was incredibly generous with me, 15 minutes is a long time for a lawyer whether he gets paid by the hour or contingency fees, that I knew even back then. And yet, the gap between his narrative and the legal brief I was supposed to write was so wide. Not unbridgeable but wide enough to truly humble me.

I still remember seeing the avatars slipping out of the files and silently pacing the room waiting for me to finish up. It started one night at about the time when I had been practicing my hand at writing briefs for about three months, practicing day after day with the many different cases that appeared in sets of three or four on my desk in the morning.
In the beginning it me had taken me a really, really long time to come up even with a just-so acceptable brief. By the time I brought the file back to Ms. Cavendish, Mr. O´Leary´s formidable secretary, I had read and reread the case close to a hundred times until I felt that I had either identified all the relevant information that I needed to actually write the brief, including the issue, the facts, the holding, and the relevant parts of the analysis, or, more often, that I had arrived at that kind of sinking, sick feeling that you have when it´s still not good enough but you just cannot do any better. Perversely, I had liked studying law for just that reason: it had made me small and humble and human insofar as it made me fail over and over again and that was perfectly in sync with my Puritan upbringing. I had been raised an atheist Puritan who had the severe character fault of having a creative streak. So if there ever was a law student who should have studied something instead it was me. And yet I continued in a distracted, untechnical, unstructured but seemingly still just-so good enough manner, because „not quitting“ had been ingrained into my personal code since my terrible-twos, and it continued to be my great weakness well into grown-up life. I was too stubborn to quit law school even as I was painting and dreaming and visiting museum after museum, I just couldn´t quit, it was as simple as that.
Generally speaking, before I had decided to go to law school I had been seriously suffering from delusions about what I could do in life, like: really anything. I had been convinced that I could do just about anything that I would set my mind to, you name it, math, sciences, language arts, and I´d be brilliant at it, and yet here I was, a few years later and not even being a quite good enough lawyer.

I simply had no clue what people were like and why they acted the way they did. I had no clue what other people actually wanted from life. No clue whatsoever. And you just can´t be a good lawyer if you don´t get people – on both sides of the law. You need to understand what drives a person and you need to understand what makes the law want to rule that very person in or entitle it to do as desired, you need , with other words, to have a good grasp of societal goals and values. Or, in the absence of such an abstract understanding, you at least need to believe that there is an order to things, a somewhat natural state of being that you will recognize when you see it.
If, on the other side, you are a multifaceted, spacey kid who lets the winds that blow through the city grid take a hold of you and push and pull you into any which direction it pleases, if you are but a drifter, if you live in books and if you cry while reading Sylvia Plath and if you are stricken by a certain Yellow in a Miró painting as if your life´s meaning depends on it, Miró, of all painters, if you are completely content with the universe for the view of the tar beach on the roof of your rental building on a freezing but fiercely clear morning, still barefoot and in your PJs and with a mug of coffee hot enough to burn the skin between your thumb and index finger (your stereotypical European intern kid), if you are happy with cheap Asian food from the corner store for weeks on end, if you are content with sharing your cramped studio apartment with a guy who works crazy hours at a food truck  and crashes on a mattress underneath your dining table, if you get a kick just out of running around Central Park in worn-out-no-brand sneakers trying to keep up with the Mexican runners for a few minutes before collapsing on to the Great Lawn, if you feel insanely alive for a split-second just because the light over Manhattan illuminates the Avenues looking south with toxic quick silver, and if on top of being this incarnation of a European nerd you think that your kicks are what makes all people around you stop dead in their tracks for excitement, then you might be on to something great for life, but as a lawyer you know next to nothing. If you don´t get what actually makes people fight for their very own piece of Lexington Avenue, small or majestic as it may be, you will be but a pathetic excuse for a lawyer.
So night after night, after I had closed the last book, feeling exhausted and ready to loose myself in the city, the avatars were quietly slipping out of the files and following me down the long hallway, past the pale light of Mr. Letterman´s office, into the creaky elevator and down, through the marble tiled lobby and out into the night. As we left the building, the avatars and I, and I was walking out into the night, they were following me and I was to them like the one eyed king amongst the blind. Si a jure discedas vagus eris, et erunt omnia omnibus incerta.

Monster.Kunst.Kinder.Rechte. Ausstellung im BMJV. hier: Monster für Art 18 der UN Kinderrechtskonvention: Deine Eltern müssen bei allem, was sie tun, darauf achten, dass es Dir gut geht.

Deine Eltern müssen bei allem, was sie tun, darauf achten, dass es Dir gut geht.
Deine Eltern müssen bei allem, was sie tun, darauf achten, dass es Dir gut geht.

zum Beispiel:

Lassen Sie Ihr Kind spielen! Unterbrechen Sie es nach Möglichkeit nicht, wenn es liest oder schreibt, wenn es malt, wenn es unter dem Tisch sitzt, wenn es in den Tag träumt. Schaffen Sie als Erwachsener eine Umgebung, in der Sie ihr Kind möglichst selten unterbrechen müssen. Nehmen Sie sich selbst eine Auszeit, wenn Ihr Kind spielt, indem Sie Ihrem Kind einfach nur zusehen.

Sehr oft erlebe ich, wenn ich mit Kindern arbeite, dass die Eltern zuerst ermüden und dann ihre Kinder davon zu überzeugen suchen, von einer Aktivität zu lassen, um eine neue, andere Aktivität zu beginnen. Oft mit den Worten: Wir können ja dann später noch mal wiederkommen. Was natürlich in der Regel nicht geschieht.

Die Erwachsenen reflektieren nach meiner Erfahrung ihre eigene Rastlosigkeit in ihren Kindern. Kinder, die nicht unterbrochen werden, können oft stundenlang auf dem Boden sitzen und zeichnen und spielen. Kinder, die frei die Übergänge zwischen ihren Spielen und Aktivitäten wählen dürfen, können auch viele Aktivitäten ohne Stress in einem Fluss miteinander verbinden.

Stress entsteht, wenn der Termindruck aus der Erwachsenenwelt auf die Kinder übertragen wird.

Worte zu Träumen, Träume zu Worten …

Mahabaratha, detailMeine Erzählungen geben auch den Toten Stimme und Gestalt; mit Worten können wir Zeit ungeschehen machen und das Gestern ins Heute holen; die Würde der Toten, die sich ebenso wie die Würde der Menschen, die mit uns leben, nicht in der großen Geste offenbart, sondern liegt in einem lichtvollen Augenblick kurz vor dem Vergessen. Dieser kleine Augenblick ist es, den ich in der Erzählung zu bewahren suche, so dass in unserem kulturellen und politischen Gedächtnis das Wissen bleibt: Das ist ein Mensch, so wenig, so klein, so anmutig, so kostbar, und wir schulden ihm einen lichtvollen Platz in unserer Mitte.

MONSTER.KUNST.KINDER.RECHTE, Ausstellung im Landeshaus Kiel vom 17.11. – 27.11.2014

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Mit angemessener Nervosität zähle ich die Stunden bis zur Eröffnung der Ausstellung im Landeshaus Kiel.

Die Monster, die als Botschafter der UN Kinderrechtskonvention in vielen Nächten in meinem Studio Gestalt annahmen, hängen seit Freitag in dem lichtdurchfluteten ersten Stockwerk des Kieler Landeshauses und warten auf die Eröffnungsveranstaltung. 41 Monster für 41 Artikel des Teil I der UN Kinderrechtskonvention. Über 250 Besucher haben sich auf die Einladung der Landeszentrale für politische Bildung Schleswig-Holstein für die Teilnahme an der Eröffnungsveranstaltung angemeldet, es sind sehr viele junge Menschen dabei.

Ein Wunsch für die Ausstellung sei erlaubt: mögen die Monster, die mich und viele Schülerinnen und Schüler in über zehn Jahren Workshops begleitet und inspiriert haben, in der ihnen eigenen Sprache zu den Kindern und Jugendlichen sprechen.

“Überall lernt man nur von dem, den man liebt.” hat Goethe gesagt. Astrid Lindgren griff es in ihrer Rede zum Friedenspreis des Deutschen Buchhandels auf. Das gilt, wir wissen es, für das Gute, das wir unseren Kindern mit auf den Weg geben können, Gerechtigkeit, den Wunsch nach Freiheit und Menschlichkeit, wie auch für das Gegenteil: Gewalt, Unversöhnlichkeit und Gier.

In einer Welt, in der so viel Gewalt zwischen den Menschen herrscht, gilt es mit den Worten Astrid Lindgrens daran zu erinnern, dass all jene, die heute Gewalt predigen, einst Kinder waren, die Gewalt lernten. Und so ist es mit dem utopischen Sinn der Künstlerin ebenso wie mit dem nüchternen Sinn der Juristin, dass ich mich mit dieser Ausstellung  zum 25. Geburtstag der Konvention direkt an die Kinder wende. Wer bereits Rechte hat, braucht sie anderen nicht zu entreißen. Wer satt ist, kann lernen. Wer geliebt wird, kann lieben. Wer Gerechtigkeit erfährt, wird Gerechtigkeit verbreiten.

Die Umsetzung der UN Kinderechtskonvention (und die Aufnahme von Kinderechten in unser Grundgesetz) ist notwendige Arbeit am Fundament unserer Gesellschaften. Nach all diesen Jahren lasse ich mich nicht eines anderen belehren: aus geliebten, respektierten Kindern werden friedliche Erwachsene.

Denk ich an Deutschland in der Nacht, dann bin ich um den Schlaf gebracht

ImageIch erinnere. Ich träume. Ich erinnere. In einer fernen Stadt, einem fernen Kontinent träumte ich von einem längst verblühten Garten in Deutschland. “Die Veilchen nickten sanft, es war ein Traum.” Und von dem Gärtner, der diesen Garten mit Bauernhänden bewirtschaftete wie ein Feld.

Ich erinnere. Seine Hände, muskulöse, braun gefleckte Altershände, die Form dieser Hände, ihre erdschwere Stofflichkeit, ihren festen Griff, dem meine eigenen Hände kaum Kraft entgegenzusetzen haben. Ich erinnere eine unbeholfene, steife Umarmung, seine gedrungene Gestalt unter rauem Tweed, den von Zweifeln unberührten Klang seiner Stimme. Und einen Garten, seinen Garten.

Von Zeit zu Zeit träume ich von diesem Garten, in dem mein Bewusstsein sich entfaltet hatte wie fadiges Unkraut, träume von sauber geharkten Kieswegen, dem blank gescheuertem Betonboden der Terrasse, auf dem Ameisen in der Mittagsonne militärische Exerzitien halten, träume von der gnadenlosen Ordnung, die mein Großvater der Fülle des Sommers Jahr um Jahr abtrotzte, träume von mit Paketschnur abgesteckten Beeten, in denen er Gemüse und Blumen in geometrischer Ausrichtung hielt, sich Tag für Tag mit muskulösem Rundrücken hinabbeugend, um jedes zarte Blättchen keimenden Unkrauts unfehlbar auszureißen, sehe in Form gestochene Rasenflächen, kurz rasiert wie die Köpfe von Rekruten, giftgrüne Nylonnetze über Apfel-, Birnen-, Pflaumen- und Kirschbäumen, Stachel- und Johannisbeerbüschen, Erdbeerreihen und Himbeerranken.

Höre die genussvolle Litanei botanischer Ordnungsbegriffe, assoziiert mit flüchtigen Bildern. Solanum tuberosum, die Kartoffel, vier zartspinstige, weiße Blütenblätter, violettgesprenkelt wie die Triebe der gelagerten Knolle; Brassica oleracea var. capitata, der Weißkohl, im Wind tanzende, gelbe Bechersterne; Daucus carota, die Möhre, schäumend wie die Gischt der Schafgarbe in den Sommerwiesen; Cucumis sativus, die Gurke, sechsblättrig geteilter, weißer Schleier über fruchtig grünem Grund.

Bete ihm lautlos nach, dass Apfel (Malus communis pumila) Birne (Pyrus), Pflaume oder Zwetschke (Prunus domestica), Aprikose (Prunus armeniaca), die im nördlichen Klima nicht gedeihen wollte, Kirsche (Prunus avium), Erdbeere (Fragaria ananassa), Himbeere (Rubus idäus) und Brombeere (Rubus) allesamt Rosengewächse (rosaceä) seien.

Zierrosen, in Reih und Glied entlang des Rasens gepflanzt, liebte er als Sinnbild dieser üppigen und doch kultivierten Fruchtbarkeit, während er die Blumenbeete im Übrigen der Pflege meiner Großmutter anempfahl, der Blumengarten – Frauensache, nur hier und dort eine Korrektur, eine Rüge, ein schneller Schnitt.

Mit seinen Rosen sprach er, schmeichelte und schimpfte, streifte Maden einzeln von ihren Blättern und ertränkte sie in einem Eimer Laugenwasser. Drohte Frost, hüllte er jeden Rosenstrauch vorsichtig, bedacht, keinen Trieb, keine späte Knospe zu knicken, in Sackleinen, schüttete Torf und Schredderspäne an, kontrollierte jeden Morgen sorgenvoll, ob sie die Nacht gut überstanden hätten. Sein äußerstes an Zärtlichkeit gegenüber einem Geschöpf.

Mit annähernd religiöser Ehrfurcht war er seinen Rosen verbunden, das war selbst für ein Kind ersichtlich. Und doch war seine Liebe nicht von einfacher, tröstender Art, war sie nicht großmütig und mild, sondern streng, nicht annehmend, sondern fordernd. Niemals war es einer Rose erlaubt, in den Sträuchern zu überblühen, Rosenblätter, die sich aus den Blüten gelöst hatten, las mein Großvater täglich einzeln aus den Beeten. Aber auch Blüten, die nicht die gewünschte Größe erreichten, die den Augen meines Großvaters in irgendeiner Weise makelhaft erschienen, sei es durch fehlende Symmetrie, ein welkes Blütenblatt, unerwünschte Färbung, wurden abgeschnitten. Die welken Rosen, Rosenblätter und Zweige mischte er in einen gesonderten Komposthaufen, gemeinsam mit Apfelschalen und anderen Obstabfällen aus der Küche meiner Großmutter sowie dem Herbstlaub der Obstbäume. Die nährstoffreiche Erde, die er so produzierte, wurde im Frühjahr wieder in die Rosenbeete verteilt.

Was mein Großvater anstrebte, war nichts Geringeres als Perfektion. Er nannte es auch “Reinheit”. Seine Rosen glichen den Abbildungen in den Gartenkatalogen, in denen er im Winter blätterte. Ich besitze eine alte Fotographie aus den siebziger Jahren, in nunmehr vergilbten Kodakfarben, auf der eine einzelne Rose zu sehen ist, die in ihrer formalen Symmetrie beinahe unwirklich scheint. Die sommerliche Wildheit von Heckenrosen oder die lieblichen Zerstreutheit einer Bauernrose sprachen nicht zu meinem Großvater. Schönheit war für ihn gleichbedeutend mit Ordnung, alles musste von Ordnung durchdrungen sein, einer unbarmherzigen, unabwendbaren Ordnung, die es aufzudecken oder herzustellen galt. Seine Ordnung. Seine Ordnung. Ein unaufhörliches Mahlwerk.

Das Möbiusband

Screenshot 2014-04-11 15.30.33K fährt vorsichtig mit der Spitze ihres Zeigefingers an der goldenen Schlinge entlang. Der Anhänger ist das kunstvolle Modell eines Möbiusbandes, ein mathematisches Fingerspiel. Ihr Großvater, Nicolai Rieper, hatte es für seine Frau anfertigen lassen, lange vor Ks Geburt. Es hat nur eine Oberfläche und eine Kante, an der Ks Zeigefinger endlos entlang reisen könnte, um das Band vollständig auf seinen verlorenen Glanz zu polieren, in fließendem Wechsel zwischen Vor- und Rückseite, ohne jemals den Finger anzuheben. Ein mathematisches Spiel, Großvaters Leidenschaft, das Geschenk eines Mannes, der keinen Sinn für nutzlose Objekte besaß.

Es ist passend, dass sich das Möbiusband jetzt in Ks Händen befindet, nicht nur wegen der Faszination, die sie als Kind für diesen Anhänger und seine Geschichte aufgebracht hat. Wie K hatte der Mathematiker Möbius, Pionier der Topologie, zunächst Rechtswissenschaften studiert, bevor er sich seiner eigentlichen Berufung, der Mathematik, zugewandt hatte.

Dem Großvater waren über Ks Jurastudium graue Haare gewachsen, weil er zutreffend vermutete, dass K mehr Zeit in den Kunstsammlungen in Dahlem, in diversen Zeichenkursen und in kunstgeschichtlichen Vorlesungen zubrachte als in den Hörsälen ihrer eigenen Fakultät. Dass K schließlich doch ihre Staatsexamina ablegte, hatte er nicht mehr erlebt. Dennoch war das Möbiusband nicht zuletzt auch Symbol dessen, was er sich für K gewünscht hatte: die Aneignung einer Welt, die rational, vorhersehbar und regelgerecht war. Wobei er unter Regeln nicht die unabwendbaren Gesetze von Natur und Wissenschaft verstand, sondern die Ordnung des Gesetzes, in der sich die ideale Gesellschaft spiegelte. Das es K vor seiner Ordnung graute, war ihm nie in den Sinn gekommen. „Das bist Du Deinem Verstand schuldig, mein Kind“ hatte er ihr mehrfach vorgehalten, „Malen,“ hatte er verächtlich hinzugefügt „das können andere besser.“

Time itself took notice of the unlikely creature

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“I  will be back.” Was it even meant to be a promise or rather the a mere, impulsive expression of an intent? The gargoyle pondered this question over many days, even weeks after the mason had left. He remembered the exact  sound of the words, their intonation, the expression of the mason’s face, the thoughtful gathering up of the tools, the turn of the head to once again rest his eyes upon the face of the stone creature, the final words – the gargoyle relived all of these moments and weighed them, day after day.

Every day up to midday he collected small reasons why chances were good that the man should appear this day, after midday he thought of excuses why he could not possibly have made it possible to come this day but would surely be able to fit it in tomorrow or at least before the week, the month , the season was over.

Perhaps the last gargoyle had been lonelier than he had cared to admit previously or maybe this obsession with the return of the mason was just yet another way to pass time.

Waiting for something to happen, somebody to appear, seemed to be far superior to just being, even if it infused his previously peaceful existence with a permanent sense of pain, a feeling that was so close to boredom that at times he would have been unable to distinguish it.

Boredom or pain both compromise our sense of regular time passing and whereas a day had just been a day, an hour just an hour before the advent of meaning and desire (now time had a direction, time existed so the mason could bridge it, so the gargoyle could subtract minutes from the greatest distance that separated him from the return, the moment when the mason had finally turned his back on him and left the roof), now a day could be excruciatingly long, especially if the gargoyle thought to have detected sounds coming from behind the closed roof door.

Expectation, gladness, desire, wishfulness, frustration, even despair were all variations on the same theme, waiting. Waiting in turn meant the refusal to accept time for what it was; it was like a progressing illness. It never occurred to the gargoyle to abandon his unreasonable expectation and to return to stone nature in order to gain the peace he longed for. Peace seemed attainable only if his curiosity about the reason for the return of the mason could be satisfied. Time passed and the mason did not return. Eventually the initially glad expectation turned into a numb pain, over time seemingly removed from any cause. A general disappointment  overcame the gargoyle, the most human of feelings, as if something that had been promised to him was now purposefully being withheld. It was as if his existence was gradually being tainted by something he could neither name nor really be completely sure of.

Time itself took notice of the unlikely creature and inexorably started gnawing at him with tiny teeth. The  gargoyle still formulated his thoughts in human phrases. But instead of patiently following a thought until it moved just out of grasp and then starting all over again like a child, he had taken to a summarizing his thoughts in a more generalist way, often colored by self-pity. A second rate stone poet he was now, defeated and ridiculous, utterly grown-up and utterly human. He felt contempt for himself, for his dependence, his passive waiting, his pathetic obsessiveness but he couldn’t help himself. There was no way to stop. No way to stop waiting. Tiny cracks were forming in the rough granite surface. Defeat was looming.

Transformative forces

 

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He  was but a gargoyle, a stone image.  How the gift of sentient observation had come to him he did not know any more than man knew where the soul originated. From his place on the roof he observed people, adults and children alike and marveled about the passage of time. After years and years of observation, of overheard fragments of conversation that the wind had carried up in the same unreliable and moody way he carried a fragrance like a caress or deposited leaves and debris in the gutter, from years of watching children grow up and age, he had concluded that humans were born with many gifts only to shed them with the years until nothing of value was left. Adults to him, the steadfast observer, were a manifestation of a process of  deterioration of their former promise.

There seemed something broken about adults to him, men and women alike, as if the original balance of their design had been spoiled. He liked children perhaps because they seemed unaware of the passage of time. He observed with pleasure as a seven year old girl straining under the weight of a watering can that she had been sent to fill up at the pump stopped in her tracks and put down the watering can only to pick up a small, white pebble to examine with great  interest and sincerity as if she had struck treasure. Another day he had observed  a young boy crouching on the path in an  immobile position for close to an hour, a long time in human count, to closely look at the street of ants entering the church underneath the granite slab step of the back door. It was the same ant street, as  wide as the arm of the local butcher,  that the custodian had failed to banish form the grounds even after many years of relentless and poisonous battle.

Every now and then, from his precarious precipice the gargoyle observed a kid  blinking up into the grey light of an early Northern spring day, scanning the gargoyle’s own dark silhouette against the diffusely bright clouds.  He had never seen any adult lift their head to actually study the structure and ornamentation of the church. It was children only, children  possessing the gift of timelessness by focussing on something small just outside their reach and holding on nonetheless, thereby transcending the moment that was forced upon them by wisdom or mere whim of the ruling adults in their lives. And all that time he was waiting just as they were waiting, existing in limbo, in a state of not knowing, waiting to be unbound, for his fate to be revealed to him, and yet dreading it, dreading it was but a process of diminishing, of deterioration just as the passage of time exemplified by human behavior seemed to indicate.  And yet, there were moments he still believed in the transformative forces of time and light.

Zur Natur des Rats der Könige und Kriegstreiber – on the nature of the council of kings and warmongers

 

Once they realized that there was not one king or one queen, but a succession of kings and queens each of whom was “the” king or “the” queen regardless of their individual identity, so that in fact, the king or the queen was not only unconquerable but  actually immortal, that times might change and ideas might change but “the” king or “the” queen” would not, so that one revolutionary, one upraising idea might threaten an individual queen or king and even overthrow them, garrote them, end them, but would have to accomplish this task within one lifetime, while “the” king or “the” queen had all the ages of the world  to wait, witness and rise again, once they realized that “the” king or “the” queen might use this or that war monger to clear the way once time was good and ripe and yet would discard of the warmonger as easily as of the revolutionary as soon the need was satisfied, once they realized that this was so, they also realized that it was not their task to interrupt the fleeting council of kings and queen and warmongers but use their one lifetime to conjure up from the source, the holy grail, a people that were as unconquerable as the grail, giving a random gathering of people a binding, unifying reason to be, to defend their freedom against the usurper through all the ages and to recognize their freedom as not a consequence of liberation but as an unalienable right and quality.
Rat der Kuonige und Kriegstr