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fever and another barefoot stranger

fever and another barefoot stranger

The last winter before the completion of the new church he had an encounter with a stranger who had called upon him repeatedly and who was staying at the town’s only inn. He was dressed in simple, yet elegant clothes, cut out of fine, dark cloth. In a small town a stranger like this would normally have generated a great deal of curiosity. But he was so quiet and unassuming in his manner as to almost appear invisible. He went for daily visits to the rectory where he was served tea and would have long conversations with the pastor. The elegance of his appearance was so convincing that it took a while for the pastor to notice that the stranger wore but a kind of biblical footwear, close to being shoeless.

It was late fall. The trees were brilliantly red as if with religious fervor. The pastor felt alert, alive almost as if a lifetime of doubt and study suddenly held some promise, as if the dark aspects of his life were less weighing on him. Then the stranger came down with a severe flu which delayed his departure. High fevers made him delirious, and the doctor and priest both were called to soothe the rage which seemed to devour the man who had been a quiet guest until he came down with this fever. After three days he lost his consciousness and did not regain it. He died in the fourth night without the pastor at his side. The pastor himself was delirious in fever at this time and died only two days after the stranger.

sad? or sappy.

sad? or sappy.

broken things
don’t make me sad.
remember the last
time you were really sad?
you don’t?
good for you.
believe me,
broken things
don’t make me
sad.

rain on windows
does not make me sad.
remember the last time
you were really sad?
you don’t.
good for you.
believe me,
rain running down windows
does not
make me
sad.

sappy songs
do not make me
sad
either.
remember,
and so on.
believe me,
they don’t make me sad
at all.

you do.
remember?
you don’t.
that does
make me

forget it.

rabbit’s heart

rabbit heart

scared
sacred
so close.

i would make the case
that my rabbit heart
is sacred

but i know a lost case
when i see one.
success and failure,
what are the odds
for one or the other.
sometimes you just know.

my rabbit heart
is scared,

a fool’s heart,
no more.

but at least
it admits
to being a fool,
scared of the shadow on the wall,
scared of the whisper in the dark,
like don quichotte
it is yet willing to fight
against windmills.

because not to defend
what is sacred
against the shadows
of your own imagination
would be erraneous.

among those shadows,
camouflaged as doubt,
lies a shadow
cast by someone
who considers
rabbit heart
a good dinner.

a walk without you

a walk without you

unless looking into a mirror
one only sees the world ahead
void of the self
that otherwise
seems inescapable.

in a world before
silver mirrors
and gleaming, reflecting
surfaces
one would only catch
one’s own image ever
as a fluid ghost
on the surface
of a still water.

maybe the self
was more fluid then, too,
less defined by the
expectations that came
with the knowledge of one’s
appearance.

once you asked me
what i thought the world
would be like
after you were gone
and i told you
to just look ahead.

today i took the same walk
and i can confirm
what i said back then.
the world is still
the same
void of you
as it was with you.

only someone walking
behind us would have had
a different view
of our world,
a view that would have
included us.

but through my eyes
the world ahead
the curve in the road
the tree that bends over the path
the fence with peeling
– or fresh –
paint depending on the
time of year
still does not include us,
never has
and never will.

i am glad
that the small path
we used to walk
does not depend
on our presence
to be lovely.

only the fluid images
of you and me passing by
the quiet pond
used to acknowledge human ghosts.

but those did not take up much space
and one barely notices your absence
as only one of us
passes by.

a questionable moral choice

a questionable moral coice

My pale, transparent reflection
in the window pane confirmed another aspect
that I had omitted
when thinking about the ever morphing,
transitional aspect of every physical space.

I was a transitional being as well.
Everything had to change.
Only yesterday I had been a child,
and it had seemed
that I would be a child forever.

Growing up had always seemed to me
to be some kind of failing,
a questionable moral choice.

now it was apparent that I, too,
would eventually have to grow up.

My mirror image clearly
was not that of a child
anymore.
My other self was hovering
between the trees
lining the residential street
and the book shelves reflected
in the window.

It seemed like I was sitting
in a fabulous natural library,
looking from there
into the confined space of the reality
of my room
like at a framed painting
that didn’t concern me much.

It looked like a peaceful place,
that library,
like a place right out of someone’s mind.

Like a place where one would forget
time and space
and never feel hungry or tired or aggravated.

My stomach grumbled as I thought about that place.
Being of real flesh and blood I was hungry.

betrayal

betrayal

the death of his unborn son,
for the stonemason
it felt like a betrayal.

death was to be
a professional matter,
something to take place
in the realm of his customers,
who commissioned him
with carving memorial stones
for their dead,
not something to occur
in his own private life.

does not every profession
come with a privilege?
was it unreasonable
to expect a reprieve from death
as long as he carved memorials,
folded hands, lamenting angels?

he felt he had been let down
though by whom
he could not have said.

an atheist
in the service of the church,
loosing his unborn son
felt like a disciplinary measure
for his godlessness.

he had a system of inner convictions
unacknowledged rituals,
replacing religion.
he held on to the sacred
in the profane
he did not believe in a creator,
an organizer, a final judge,
and yet
he knew to have fallen from grace.

and no place to handle his complaint.

Ez 9:4-6 KJV

IMG_5724

eliminating comforting words
seems an appropriate strategy
to counter the hours
relentlessly expanding
the fabric of the mind
between midnight and dawn.

left behind are words with letters
like ceramic blades
well suited to cut
sharp silhouettes into the darkness.
tau, Ez 9:4-6, KJV, they read,
but no comprehension follows.

Slay utterly old and young,
both maids, and little children,
and women
but come not near any man
upon whom is the mark.
let not your eye spare, neither have ye pity.

old testament, yet one eternal god,
this is the fabric of the mind, a thin membrane.

clearly, another cut is needed
to calculate the rate of emission
of radiant energy, radiant flux,
electromagnetic radiation
emitted by charged particles
while traveling through space.

light is
beyond that dark membrane
of the mind’s fabric,
serving as a selective barrier
between origin and time.

compared with the luminosity
seeping through those merciless cuts
i am
but an ordinary lie.

 

and so,

forsaking conventional wisdom,

i cut out letters of sober inquiry

with ceramic precision,

exchanging the comfort of an ordinary lie

for the shimmering beauty

of inconsequential pain.

 

transitional typeface

transitional typeface

dancing trees
the wind’s in a capricious mood today
writing in fluid script
with sharpened branches,
ink black against the grey sky

the message reads itself

letters legible
against the light of a sky
illuminating the thin calligraphy
of the wind
like an algorithm
flickering on a computer screen

the program writes itself

and the i observing
how letters are spun
out of branches
sharp like pencil tips

feels thin
elongated

a simple serife
tailing from the edge
of a letter.
i, a transitional typeface,
spelling the rational spirit
of enlightenment.

Newton to Heisenberg

Newton to Heisenberg

What would you have me
Embroider on my dress
Or my coat?
And would it quell that sense of outrage
That haunts you?

What confession would you
Have me deliver
Or sign?
And would it satisfy your desire
To prove yourself?

(and to whom)

Which ideas would you have me
recant
Or change?
Would it give you a sense of safety
If I stated that
What should not be possible
Will not take place?

(as all children ask in the dark)

Too late, my friend.
The words have been said.
The deed’s done.
A door has been opened.
And there is a rip in the fabric
Of your three dimensions
Admitting a fourth
And a fifth

And so on.

I would gladly give you a hand
To help you find your way
From Newton to Heisenberg
But you see
I already slipped through
That rip
And I just don’t feel
Like coming back.

You’ll be fine.

genius

Bild

tarnished brass bracelets jingle on your wrists,

over your shoulder you carry

the same scratched leather satchel

full of papers and books.

worn sandals on naked feet.

even now,

i recognize you in an instant.

 

it’s winter.

you keep well in the background.

between shelves M-Z in biographies

you are not at risk.

 

you have had your share of abuse

and are weary of it,

though not afraid.

 

the red letters of a franchise bar

reflect in the deep black tar

of a recently paved parking lot.

another new strip mall.

the evening is patiently enduring

the loneliness of a friday night.

 

people climb out of sport utility vehicles

half the size of their houses, i assume,

and file into the barnes & noble

for a grande non fat latte

and some magazines or bestseller titles

to while away the hours.

 

and you, in the background,

leafing through

a mussorgski biography.

how in the world this got there

you can’t imagine,

then Frank Zappa,

but that’s not why you came.

 

finally, your head clears.

you carefully deposit yourself

in an armchair.

still, no one pays attention.

the anxiety subsides.

the numbers start dancing.